Eternal guilt

For the one I have hurt,

Words will never replace the pain I have caused. This emptiness shall always be there. I look around and all I see is you. I can't make you see that, and I can't makes you understand., for words...just seem to elude me when spoken.

I hope someday you will forgive me. I force myself not to look for you, but I find myself still doing it. I don't even know if I exist to you anymore, or just a remnant of the past, best left behind.

I can't bring myself to do what we used to do. I look for other things now that doesn't remind me of you. I think of all the conversations, all the unspoken words I wanted to tell you, that I will never speak.

I miss you. I will never have that connection with anyone else again, it felt so natural and pure. From day one. But like everything in life, I guess it dies. But the memories will be eternal.

Thank you for being there, for understanding and for being my partner for as long as you were. For that time, I thank you.

Randomness from a random person...

As usual, I am always thinking of ideas, and can't focus on one solid one because there is a sparkly and songs and next thing I know I am way off track. But hey, I guess that is what keeps life interesting isn't it?

So we had a storm roll through Bellefontaine last night...waiting for the inevitable, impending winds, golf ball sized hail, shear winds to blow trees down, etc. so I waited patiently on my front porch...The wind slowly picked up and blew dirt and leaves around, lightening was pretty and then the rain hit. It was beautiful...I felt the rain on my face, the temperature dropped and the thunder was a low rumbling in the sky. The lightening lit up the sky in moments of blue color, illuminating everything for a split second and casting an eerie tone to the trees, making them sway in the wind to their own beat. The rain was cold, the wind felt great and at midnight last night, I let myself become one with the storm...it moved around me and touched me with it's hand, embracing me with it's breath and allowing me to engulf myself in it's arms. Everyone knows the saying, "Some people feel the rain, others just get wet" well, I felt the rain last night. It was wonderful!

I must say that if you ever have a chance to be in a storm in the middle of the night, embrace it and reflect the beauty in the night that you don't get to see in the daytime!


Have a wonderful day everyone!

All the small things...

They really add up don't they? LOL, yes that was a random thought going through my head with nothing to do whatsoever with this blog...so here it goes!

Imitation is a form of flattery...but is it really? I know of a few celebrities who get mad when someone else is posing as them, yet it makes me giggle. Yes, I am guilty of following a few celebs on facebook and twitter, but to see them upset about a "poser" page is quite funny. Here are a few reasons why:

• Their posers respond to their fans...(OMG shocker!!)
• They use positive quotes and make them sound like deep thinkers! (Heaven forbid!)
• They use the same pictures anyone can get off the internet...and guess what...they reflect a positive reaction from your fan base!

I don't get why they are upset...in fact, these posers are actually doing free PR for them and marketing...they should be getting a commission off you! My two cents on that topic; on to the next.

Relationships:
Not gonna lie, it affects everyone at one point or another...but make sure you ask advice from people who will give you good advice, not people who want to inflict more confusion on you. My best advice...you are going to have to live with the consequence no matter what you choose, choose what is best for you and something you can live with! Yes, hardest decision in your life sometimes, but hey, you are going to make it out of it...maybe crappy for a while, but even that too shall pass!
Here are a few things to follow, in the future:

• If you want it to work, do your best to earn their trust...relationships are like a full time job where it does take hard work and commitment...
• If you want to leave, then find the courage to leave...it's hard, not gonna lie, but will get better in time.
• If you are having doubts, make sure you think about it before letting emotions get the best of you...because sometimes the "little" head likes to think it is in charge.
• If you think that you are becoming boring in your relationship, change it up...be random and spontaneous! Live a little!!

I think that this blog does relate to all the small things...huh, I guess even in random moments, words taken from the brain and formed on paper with inadvertedly become something noteworthy!
Anyways, the music is my head is slowly increasing volume so I will end it here! Have a wonderful night and stay beautiful!!

Time may pass, but the memories remain...

Everyone has a bucket list that they come across, saying "I am going to do all of this someday." Well, now is the time to do it! There does come a time in life when fear of (insert fear here) holds everyone back at some point. Some people just find the courage to step out of it and jump in head first.

Thinking back in the past few years since I have been in Ohio, there was a few things that I could cross off my list. For instance:

• Having a professional opera singer do an "impromptu" song in my kitchen...LOL and get a jaw-dropping audience and an applause from a "bathroom" tenant who shall remain nameless.
• Getting to meet someone who invented the "flavor crystals" in coffee and the inventor of "Pop Rocks" (awesome moment as well...)
• Being on a OGR podcast...while getting by butt handed to me by a level one creature. (That kinda sucked, but it was fun!)
• Meeting someone for the first time with an embarrassing moment! (OMG you told!!! OMG that was you!!) Good times!!
• Being a manager at a reputable company and Liking my job!!
• Having a been there/done that not gonna go there again type of year...(2009, and that's all I am going to say about that one!)
• Going on a roadtrip to Maryland, a few times with the greatest gal ever!!
• Meeting the best friend who I can be myself around without the weird look..(most times!)
• Being three degrees away from Kevin Bacon...(if you play the game, you know what I am talking about!)
• Being a tiny muse in another person's blog...
• Writing and actually trying to focus on my more creative side...

Yet, the list can go on and on, but I don't want to bother all of you with my memories. In short, I will swing on my front porch when I'm old with my best friends and saying, remember that one time...and getting a good laugh out of it. Isn't that what life is all about? Collecting those memories and sharing them with the ones you love, even the bad ones can be looked back on and seem funny in it's shadow. The greatest thing about time, is that it can heal...and memories, whether good or bad can be bought up again without the anger or aggression felt when it first happened.

So go out there, play in the mud and dance in the rain and find that person you can create memories with! Have a great night everyone!!

Word theme story...Drowning

It was a challenge from a friend to write a story about a word...so here is mine for drowning:

Drowning slowly makes you wonder about your life. How did I get here, why did it end up like this, slowly drifting away under the water, mental images taking you back through your life. The time you can remember your first birthday, how the candle looked, how you wanted to touch it, but couldn’t because it hurt but you didn’t understand why. Looking up at the bubbles, images floating pass you, your first kiss, sweet under the bleachers from the one you thought you would never leave, to the baby born into a world of flashing lights and parents’ cries. Slowly losing consciousness, memories keep flowing, from the fights late at night to the crying from past due bills, all sinking into reality of an adult life that can’t be kept up with. Slipping into the unknown with thoughts of a life now past her, she slips into the other world…dark and unknown. Time stands still just for what seems like a moment, then a light at the end. She pushes forward, slowly making her way to the light, the beautiful glowing orb at the end of what seems like an endless journey, slow and painful but painstakingly trudging forward.
Suddenly she hears a familiar sound, muffled but familiar, coming from the light…come back to me, don’t leave me. She finds the strength to struggle on, to find that voice, from an echo to a more prominent voice trudging her forward, momentum in her feet, a pulse in her heart…she marches on, grasping to remnants of a life she has, fighting for what she wants. She wants to feel a gentle hand, a smooth caress, a meaningful kiss, her heat beat pulsate. The voice, louder with each step, directing her every movement, her only sanity in the world as she knows it, beckoning her, begging her to come. The light, with it’s heated caress, it’s blinding glow now basking her in it’s loving glow, she smiles. She sees the hand to the familiar face that called to her from the darkness, led her to his embrace, melted the worry away. She is safe again, a warm embrace, a gentle hand, a meaningful kiss.

Hope you enjoy it!

Creativity leads you to strange places...

As tired as I am, the bed looking so inviting...it is calling me like a soulful song trying to whisk me away from my agenda I created, it will have to wait.

Lots of creative juices flowing right now in my head, with no outlet of release. So many directions it's a wonder how I even stay focused to put these words on paper. So as my journey increases to other forks in the road and every path as tempting as my bed sounds right now, I have chosen to put words on paper (well, via computer that is =) since I am typing).First off, I have a few ideas of photos that I want to take...test out or rekindle that drive in me that I want to take photos. Not the 50 types of bathroom pictures that seem to float on every social network out there, but legit photos of random things that make me go hmmm....

Then of course the editing part of the photography journey...which is always fun to take a picture and make it into what you want it to be. I am trying out different venues on that note...stay tuned for updates!

But more I also want to take a stab at photo journalism...I think that would be interesting, and who knows...maybe something of mine will be published; and I am not talking about library of poetry that publishes everyone's work, but rather a submission to see if it was worth the manual labor.

Anyways, just making a mental note of things to do, and writing it down so I will not have a reason to not do them...it is out in the atmosphere now, so instead of "do as I say not as I do" theory, I am going to make this happen!

Thank you for the time of reading this and as always be good to one another!

In the making...

Taking a head on approach to life...guess my six word memoir works after all. Most people are afraid to go beyond the box...I want to bust the box open wide and say "Hello Bitches!" LOL...okay, maybe not that frank, but oh well.

Been thinking a lot about the future and what it presents, and frankly (and shamelessly plugged) I got my motto from Gossip Girl's Chuck Bass...just say "YES." So that is what I am going to do, and who knows what may come up. Everyone is always afraid of rejection, it is true, but how can you get to where you are going if you are afraid of taking that step? I know that time will not turn backwards to start earlier than now, but starting now and stepping on a limb (or at least the first step) will be better than staring into the unknown and saying, hmm I am not ready yet.

So whether it is a fail or a bust I am going for it. Life always has special opportunities that presents itself, but only if you are willing, and sometimes it can be a bust...but how are you going to know if  you don't try right?

So on my podium I announce that I am moving forward with my plans..as ridiculous as some may seem, I am excited to progress instead of regress myself! Thank you for your support!! *curtsy* hehe...may your life be as you want it to be...full of adventure and a kick arse ride!! Ciao!!